Molly On Weiner

Weiner resigning is such a bummer. One because I find the irony of his name, and this situation, so fantastically hilarious. But mainly because I don't think a little cell phone nudity warrants this type of outrage.

A divorce, maybe. If I was his wife, I would leave him.

Let he or she who has never taken a naked cell phone picture cast the first stone.

I sympathize with Weiner because one drunken evening a couple of years ago I accidentally uploaded a topless picture to facebook. It could happen to anyone. Cell phones are confusing, people.

I guess I just don't think it's that big of a deal. I think the people yelling at him during his resignation are complete douche bags. If you think sending a hot (of age) chick a picture of your junk makes you a "sick pervert" I invite you to happily live silently the rest of your life. You don't deserve to speak.

The guy who yelled "The people demand to know! Are you more than 7 inches?!" cracked me up however. If you gotta yell, I'm glad that's what you picked. The lunatics yelling "you sick pervert" at him thought they should yell and make it clear "that guy's not with us! kick him out!". Hahaha. No, dude. He's with you. On the crazy bus.

Barbara Walters has seen the uncensored picture of his ... manhood... and she said it was "impressive" on The View. I guess we don't know how many men Babs has seen naked, but I bet its enough to recognize an impressive peep. He's just proud.

I don't know. Maybe I'm missing something. He didn't touch anyone. None of the girls he sent pictures to were underage.

Anyway. That's all I have to say about that, I suppose.

Hank is currently at the groomer. I should be cleaning the dog hair out of my car and grooming myself, because I'm babysitting for a friend of Zack's this evening. I am not, of course. I will wait until minutes before I have to leave, I'm sure.

It's just that this Shania Twain rerun on Oprah is so captivating. I can't seem to pull myself away.
When she said after her husband cheated on her, and they were getting divorced, that she was freezing and the only thing that could make her stop shaking was to be chin-deep in a steaming hot bubble bath. That's me. When I'm super sad, scared, or anxious, I'm suddenly FREEZING and shakey. I get that. I get her.

I talked to Zack a lot today. I really needed him to tell me Hank was going to be alright at the groomer, because I'm a little bit of a lunatic. If he tells me he is ok, I feel like it must be true. He is off work for the next couple days and is spending his time playing video games with his new bestie David. I like David, he seems very interesting. Most importantly Zack likes David, they seem to get along quite well.

Well, I should shower. It's hot as could be outside and it's important I shower before I go to babysit. I'm really looking forward to babysitting =]

Have a great night everyone, I encourage all of you to send naked cell phone pictures to your significant others, and not twitter. Especially if you are a politician.

Be looking for a "Hank's New 'Do" Post in the near future!


XOXOX

Walmart

I went to walmart today. I am not a fan of walmart. I like to get in and get out. As fast as possible.

Today I saw someone at walmart I know vaguely from high school and facebook. She stopped me. Not a polite smile, not a wave, she stopped me. I didn't like where this was going, but I was polite.

I am a firm believer in being kind.

You never know what kind of a day someone is having, or what kind of place they're at in their lives.

I guess I just know that if someone who I vaguely know is stopping me in walmart to make conversation, she probably really needs someone to talk to, or she thinks I do.

This person told me she had just found out she was pregnant, again.

I went through my mental roll-o-dex to check the facts. Did I know this already? If it was on facebook, surely I would have seen it. Nope, I didn't know. How many kids does she already have? 2. Isn't she always complaining about them and how her boyfriend is physically and verbally abusive on facebook? Oh, yes.
This is why I didn't know this person was pregnant, she is facebook hidden.

I love hiding people. I don't have to worry about their children if I don't have to read about how they're "guna get a whoopin if they don't stop bein NOTTY" (actual status of this person).

Do you ever have the sudden urge to tell someone you barely know that you would be happy to adopt their unborn child? Just me? Well, whatever.

I hurried from the conversation. She offered nothing else. She was excited for the baby and "kicked out that liar" who I assumed was the abusive boyfriend. I'll pray for them and hope for the best.

I doubt she's reading this, but if you are- I didn't mean to offend you, and honestly I would adopt any of the three of your kids in a heart beat. Let me know.

I honestly do try hard not to judge people, but I feel like I have enough info there to know we couldn't be friends.

After my encounter with the reason I rarely shop where I might see someone I know, I continued with my shopping.

Let me precede the next story with this fact, I love red grapes. Green ones are sour and gross and I don't know why people would choose them over red.

Yummo

This walmart is ALWAYS out of red grapes.

Do you ever have that moment when someone who is clearly without all of their mental faculties, or even TOTALLY out of their mind, is saying what you are thinking but would never say?

For example, one time things were moving slowly at the zoo and we were stuck with 100 other sweaty stinky people waddling through that hot dark tunnel in the rainforest. My mom was freaking out. When out of nowhere this perfectly nice mentally handicapped gentleman started shouting "ALRIGHT, HURRY UP! I'M GONNA FREAKOUT! I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC! I'M HOT! HURRY UP!". My mom said he was speaking her inner monologue.

Today walmart was out of crunchy delicious red grapes. I was disappointed. This day was not going well.

When suddenly, I had to check to make sure I still had a hold on things, was that me yelling?

I turned around to find this meth head SCREAMING at an employee "WHY ARE THERE NEVER ANY RED GRAPES?! I NEED THEM. I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER! I NEED THE EXPLETIVE RED GRAPES! EVERY TIME I'M HERE YOU EXPLETIVES ARE OUT OF THEM!".

I was cracking up. I wanted to say "Yeah, I'm with crazy! Where are the expletive red grapes?" But I didn't. I grabbed a bag of icky green ones and I shuffled away trying not to laugh.

Sigh, walmart. At least it wasn't night time. It wasn't totally packed.

Tomorrow my little Hank is having his hair shaved! I am nervous, but this place is a lot nicer and therefore less stressful for me. I am finding that he is less stressed if he is tired, and the place he's getting groomed at is about 23 blocks from our house, which is what I've been walking with him. So I'm going to drive my car down there and leave it. Then walk home, get Hank and walk him back to the groomer. That way he is tired and it will be less stressful for him to be groomed.

He's been sort of achey after we walk. He's good the next day, but for the day after we walk he has a hard time getting up after he is laying down. It's still easy for him to run around the yard with the neighbors dog, but getting up from a nap is rough. I guess I need to make an appointment with his vet to make sure walking him isn't detrimental.

My google vet skills say it's just because he's out of shape, and that he will get used to it and be ok. That this is good for him. It's still hard to see him sore. I supposed I'll buy a supplement. He's only 5.

I'm excited to post pictures of his new 'do! I'm sure it will be comical if nothing else.

Welp I suppose that's all for today boys and girls.
XOXOXOX

Alfred Had Nothing On Ankaboot

One of my major concerns about when Zack is gone is my lack of a spider killer. Every year in the fall, well all 2 of them, that I've been in this house the spider problem is terrifying. From the windows in our house we can see the bigger than a half dollar size spiders crawling around in the bushes in front of the house.
When it was just Haley and I the spiders inside the house were a much much larger issue. I don't know why. They were EVERYWHERE. We had this super massive lint roller (read: intense dog hair problem) that looked like a paint roller. It was on a super long extendable poll thingy. Haley and I rolled several spiders from a safe 6 feet away while screaming and hopping like lunatics. It was touch and go, and I made the landlord hire someone to spray, but we lived.
Last year we met Alfred.
Alfred was a spider the size of a hamster. He was big enough that I knew his name from reading his name tag. He came to terrify me by building a web right in front of my living room windows every night, that reached just close enough to the porch banister that I thought Hank would get caught in it. Every night he looked at me through the window while I shook, with all 100 of his creepy little eye balls. For months he showed up every night around 6pm and was gone, web included, by the time I woke up in the morning. Sneaky little bastard.
I'm pretty sure Alfred had to work very early in the morning, so he had to pack it up and get their on time. Thank God Hay and I made such a spectacle of spider killing, because I think Alfred heard about it. Which is why he never let me catch his big ass in my house.
Regardless, Alfred was something I talked about on facebook on the regular. His presence, even outside, haunted me. All of my friends were aware of Alfred and when Zack was home he and his friends would stand on the porch and smoke while I stared at Alfred hoping the second hand smoke would cause him to contract an illness. This went on for months, and Zack refused to put out a hit on the little bastard because he said he ate the mosquitoes and other bugs and that Alfred was probably the reason that we didn't really have an indoor spider problem. This theory was of no consequence to me, and gave me nightmares about him eating smaller spiders. It was horrifying.
Then came what should have been D day for Alfred, but what turned out to be the day I wanted to burn the house down and build a new one, and move out of it just for good measure.
Zack and Doug had been drinking, and I had a headache, so I went to bed at about midnight. When Zack smokes he usually leaves the front door open, because he likes to talk to the people in the house. Even when there's no one in the living room, out of habit, he leaves the door open. Meaning I could hear went on that night.
I like to listen to the drunken ramblings of my husband and his friends because they're absolutely silly. That night they were discussing using my spray deodorant and a lighter to, essentially, blow torch Alfred. I immediately yelled out to tell them I did not want them to burn the house down, and I was pretty sure if they lit him on fire he would just run his humungous flaming ass into the house to call 911. It was a disaster in the making, and I advised against it.
Well, like a lot of the things I advise drunk people against, they decided this was the best plan of action and I was too tired to deal with the nonsense. I crossed my fingers and fell asleep.
The next thing I know, probably about 10 minutes later, I heard women screaming outside at the top of their lungs. They were screaming and yelling "Under the stair! Move the stair!" And then more loud squealing screams. The women sounded like they were being chased by a tiger and I thought maybe Zack and Doug caught the neighbors house on fire and the girls who live next door ran out only to be greeted by a flaming Alfred. In that case the screaming made sense. So I jumped up and ran out to the living room to see what was happening.
To my surprise the only women yelling were Zack and Doug. And they were doing the familiar spider killing hop and scream that Haley and I had done. They were standing in the yard trying to gain control of their flailing limbs when I came out. It was hilarious, but I was relieved because I assumed that, like when Hay and I did the hop and scream, Alfred had seen his last days.
Alas, I was incorrect.
Apparently what had happened was that they had set Alfred's web ablaze and Alfred casually hopped on to the ground (when the woman screaming began). My brave USN Sailors then moved the single cement stair next to the porch to 'get him' and just as they did... a SNAKE slithered out from underneath. Causing the hilarious limb flailing and my sudden urge to burn the house down.
Why me?? WHY ME??
That was the day I discovered my husband is also scared of spiders. And snakes. Maybe not to my extent, he could still take them out sober in broad day light with a shoe, but he was definitely a little frightened of MASSIVE man spiders when intoxicated, and he doesn't like snakes much either.

** Side note** Alfred showed up again several days later, only this time he was more aggressive and hung from the screen door. 

I locked Zack out of the house and told him he could live in it again when he got rid of Alfred. I recorded the Shoe Vs Spider showdown, and on that glorious day the Shoe won.  

The snake, or rather a snake, met it's match with the lawn mower a few days after that.****

Welp.

Today my mom sent me a message about how my brother saw something on the Discovery Channel about massive spiders in Bahrain. So I did some googling... holy shit.

Meet Ankaboot (spider in Arabic)

I hate the idea of not being with Zack, but I have never ever been so happy to not be going to Bahrain with him before in my LIFE. Holy balls.

You may now take pause and itch all over.

I wont post any more terrible pictures of Bahraini spiders here. Google it though, if you're brave. They're massive. And they're aggressive.

I'm going to put the Shoe Vs Spider showdown on a DVD for Zack to take with him to Bahrain. If he's smart he will play it on a loop in his barracks so that the spiders tell their spider friends what a spider killing badass Zack is.  

You and I will know the truth, but they don't need to know. 

Security

Alright. I had about 3000 super sad negative things to write about today. But I've stifled them. Instead I've decided to blog about how everyone keeps telling me I should worry about my impending house invasion and consequent attack while Zack is in Bahrain.
Here's the thing, I've lived by myself before. I have a big dog. A big 90 pound german shepherd mix, with big teeth. Hank. Scary right?
Wrong.
Does this look like a scary animal to you?

Holly and Hank Sleeping

Hank and Zack kissing

Doug and Hank Sleeping

He's the sweetest baby in the world 99.8% of the time. Unless you're a bunny, you're traveling down the street on a motorized wheel chair, you have a jimmy johns sandwich in your hand, you're hitting me, or you move to quickly and are not... um... caucasian... (he's a racist. I apologize. We've talked about it. He's working on it.) you're Hank's bestie. He loves everyone. He has a little bit of a nervous licking habit and will lick your hands off, or your face if you're close enough. And my little cousin Zach will testify that if you are sitting in the front seat of my car, he will ignore that you exist.

Exhibit A

He's a marshmellow.

Aside from one instance where Linny approached my door in the middle of the night and he acted like he might take her out, I have no reason to believe he would scare anyone away. He likes the mailman. When the mailman reaches our house, Hank relaxes and plays with him until he hands him a treat. 

So, the problem is, everyone thinks I'm going to be raped. Many of the people close to me are concerned that I am going to be unsafe by myself for a year. It is concerning, sure. But what am I going to do??

I have an alarm system on my home, it has however had issues connecting to the company that installed it. Meaning, unless there is a fire, the police are not always called. It's just a very loud annoying noise for a rapist to have to put up with until I put the code in or a neighbor calls the police, about 10% of the time. I have to hope that my intruder is also an arsonist if I want the alarm to really be 100% effective. But they don't know that. So, I've played in my head what I would say to them "Excuse me sir, that alarm system you hear,  yeah it just called the police. They should be here soon. I'm not playing. Go. Quit petting the dog. Scram bucko!".

Ineffective? Perhaps. I think I'll have that checked. 

Zack wants me to get a gun. Which I am absolutely not going to do. I don't want a gun in my home. It's too easy to have an accident. I'm pretty sure I'd just be providing the assailant a weapon. I have on occasion tried to give my husband a dose of his own fracking medicine and shoot him with his stupid nerf gun, he immediately apprehends said gun and I am pelted with dozens of tiny nerf bullets. It's annoying. I fear that with a real gun, the outcome with an intruder could be far more fatal. 

I don't want a gun.

I have, as recently as a couple of weeks ago, fostered dogs in the past. Usually tiny dogs, but I could get a bigger scarier one... I mean, one with a scary bark and a big head. But Hank likes being an only child and I think he was happy to see the last foster leave. I'm pretty sure he's waiting for Lucy the adorable demon kitty to find a new home. Sorry Bud, she's staying. Unless she jumps on this keyboard one more time while I'm blogging....

So, what to do?? I'm interested in what other military wives do during deployment. I know lots of people move in with their parents, which is super not happening. We all get along better when I live somewhere else. Plus Hank sheds and my parent's cat tried to eat Lucy. 

I could get a roomie I guess. The last time it was pretty fun.

hm.

I can't wait for this stupid year to be over.

More Of The Same

As much as I thought this day would DRAG it hasn't been too bad. I stayed up suuuper late last night and woke up suuuuper early this morning so I could make breakfast for hubster, which he enjoyed very much thank you. So when Zack got home I passed out until like 1230 showered got ready and woke Zack up to go to Danny's partay. And as usual time with the fam just flies by. They're very funny.

So now I'm watching AFV. Which I love. I'm not even going to try to blog about anything fun today. It would just be more of the same. Instead, here are things I've learned today...
*My family is funnier than yours. So I apologize if yours is eating in the same building as mine, and my Dad is carrying around a woody the woodpecker doll he just won hitting people and asking them not to touch his woody.
*My first instinct about my friend's bfs is always right, and often, that sucks.
*Little kids are super funny and I can't wait til people are talking about mine :)
*If you are my friend, and you are attractive, my Dad and my Brother will be creepy to you. There's nothing I can do.
*My mom can be an a-hole, but she's doing the best she can. And she loves me, no matter what.
*My husband is more fun when he's had enough sleep.
*And finally, I've learned, that if today isn't the last day of worrying about where were going my brain is likely to explode.

I type all of these blog posts from my droid and it is infuriatingly difficult. But I <3 all of you and appreciate that you read this, so I suffer through.

Tomorrow is the day! Are you excited???

Spoons

For some reason the idea of eating Mac and cheese with a spoon literally makes me gag. I was just struggling to feed myself with a fork (I'm sober) and thought about maybe taking a crack at using a spoon and literally had to restrain myself from actually becoming sick. I don't know why this concept is so disgusting to me, but it sure is.

I also have a very real fear of drinking out of an open beverage, as in anything from a can or a cup, that has been out of my sight for even a second-even in my own home- even when I'm home alone. Idk if its because my Dad assured me that if my drink ever left my sight in public I would immediately be drugged, raped, and likely murdered, by a predator, or just some weird phobia I've developed.

I think part of it is that Holly and other adorably gross sailors my husband brings home chew tobacco, and therefore spit nastiness, into various items in my house. If I unsuspectingly drank chew spit I would immediately try to throw myself off the roof of my house. I don't know, I would have to be institutionalized or something.

Gross.

Hank is eating very well since Zack started working nights. I can't eat all or even half of anything I might make and its wasteful to throw it away when it makes him so very happy. Save your don't feed Hank people food comments. It's no matter, I don't care (that's a movie quote no one will recognize). If Mac N Cheese makes him happy, ill give it to him. His life is relatively boring, I do what I can. Plus he's adorable.

Today has been a weird day everybody. I think its clear.

Next Tuesday we will know our future living location and I can start getting Hank the fatty his shots! Start to get the ball rolling!