Is This A Joke??

I am having a bad day. Like colossally.

So, I'm going to ramble long-windedly for several minutes and post it to my blog. That's why having a blog is helpful when I'm a mess.

I miss my husband and this is going to be another one of those "not a hint of positivity" posts.

I'm tired of being sad.

I hate that I'm used to missing my partner.

The thing about deployments, or any separation really, is that they freaking suck.

They suck, they suck, they suck. And nobody likes them.

Today Zack and I argued. We argue a lot when we're together because we're both always right (usually I'm more right) and we're both very dramatic. Since he left however, we don't really argue much. Almost not at all actually.

It wasn't like a catastrophic fight (I almost wrote phight... eff.) or anything, but I still said things that right now at 2241 our time and 0641 tomorrow his time I'm feeling super guilty about. I know he's sleeping and I should leave him alone but I am really fighting the urge to call him sobbing right now and make him promise me that he doesn't hate me.

I love him so much.

I wish no one had to go through this whole stupid thing.

There's this double edged sword that my brain, and apparently a lot of other peoples brains, put us through where we want to celebrate a day without being too terribly sad, and then this little voice is like.... "Wait? What does that mean? Aren't you still devastated? Does this not still suck exactly the same as it did the day he left?".

Shut up, brain. Jackass.

I am still devastated. A lot of times I feel like I'm putting on a happy face for everyone else. No one wants to deal with me because I'm sad, and in reality my husband being gone for a year isn't that big of a deal... to them.
Please know, I know there are worse things that could happen, but this pretty much takes the cake on suckful things I've had to go through in my almost 25 years of life.

I hate that I was incapable of using an ATM today for a solid 20 minutes because I can't follow instructions or wait patiently for the stupid machine to function.


I hate that there was a train every single way that I drove today. I feel like in the year 2011 there must be a better way to transport.... wtf do trains even transport?? Whatever it is I'm boycotting it.

Also, I feel like everyone should quit playing the "I have it worse" game. It makes me borderline homicidal.

Stop it. You don't get a prize if you have it worse and are or are not sadder. Quit it right now.

Military wives seem to be real competitors at this game. Thank goodness none of my friends are like this. But I come across it a lot on friends facebook pages.
A friend who's husband is gone 6 months will write something like "I miss my husband" to which 11 people will respond "well I have 7 kids to feed and none of them have any shoes... also one has no feet... and we have to move to a 1 bedroom house on base because you got the good house, and he's gonna be gone 18 months, so you think you have it bad try to be me..." UGH.

Quit it.

We can all be sad.

The first person who tries to one up someone on my facebook page will be immediately eunthanized inhumanely.

Not cool.

I'm exhausted and emotional and I can't take it. Assumingly because I am a terrible person, I take a little comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one going through this.

Recently I read a birth story where a woman got through the pain by envisioning, and trying to spiritually connect with, all the women in the world in labor at that moment, and she was so focused and connected to that thought she remembers almost no pain from labor. How amazing, right?

It helps a little to know that so many people, and so many people that I care about, are going through this same awful deployment bs right now and surviving. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the fact that we are all suffering is out of my control and I feel better envisioning we're all doing it together all over the world.

It is tough but it is temporary. Right?

That sucks so bad. That doesn't help at all tonight.

I miss my husband and I'm rambling on my blog.

That helps a little actually.

And the fact that Lucy is being sweet, possibly the first time in her entire life, right now is strangely as comforting as it is alarming.

I keep thinking about how there is almost 3 months down and I get legitimately angry at the Navy.

Tell me it's what "we or Zack signed up for" and I will cut you...

I can't freaking believe we still have 9 months left.

When it's over it will be such a relief, yet I feel like the Navy has us in a choke hold... I don't have a lot of details yet, so dont ask me... but an early out chit, to me, seems very shady.

Give up this thing we promised you, so you can go home to your wife... you know you want it... 

If he comes home early there are so many instabilities. I loathe this.

I hate that we fought about it.

Everything ended well. Worry not.

Zack and I are very much in love. Our love is unshakable.

Which is why we should be together. Right now.

Because for eff's sake I am spent. I am drained. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am sexually deprived. I am... rambling. And I am SO emotional.

I am also in love. I am lucky. I am healthy. I am loved by the most amazing man, the most amazing family, and the most amazing friends a girl can ask for.

So, I am dealing.

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm having a bad day.

So. Negative.

Sometimes I miss Zack so much it is physically debilitating. It actually hurts.
I'm happy for the wives who aren't really bothered by being alone, I really don't judge them. I'm actually jealous.
This week I am mostly sad. Some days I think it's getting much easier, but today, I think it's much harder and the wound of my husband having to spend a year elsewhere is still pretty fresh.
This week I finally kicked that stupid Thunderbolt cell phone (that's right, turns out I hate it) and Verizon, to the curb.
I got a new iphone4 with AT&T and now I can TEXT Zack. It's the best thing that's happened for our relationship since he left. I feel closer to him. Which is probably why this last few days have been so difficult, because I feel closer to him but he is still so, so, far away. I literally can't explain to you what I would do to see him right now, and be able to touch him. I promise you it's way more exciting, and explicit, than what I would do for a Klondike bar.
Yep. I'm going crazy.

And now my house might be in this stupid flood. It's infuriating. It's stupid and I hate it.

Also, I miss my Grandma. A lot. She's in Florida right now, and I really want her to come home. To her house.

Before I get the hate mail, I know how lucky I am that my husband isn't in Afghanistan or somewhere where I have to worry about how dangerous it is. I know I am super blessed to be able to talk to him and text him, sometimes even skype him. I guess I'm just a whiner, ok? I miss him so much. There's nothing I can do. So I'm complaining. Because it's late at night, and I miss my husband.
I don't want to spend my 27th night in bed with Hank and Lucy, and no Zack.
Tonight, It's weighing heavy on my heart that I have at least 342 more nights alone. Sometimes that happens. More than likely I will wake up in the morning and feel good, like I can deal with all the absolute nonsense happening here, by myself. But tonight, I miss my partner. I miss Zack.
And this is my blog. So if you don't like it don't read it.
However, know that every day I'm thinking about the families not as lucky as ours. I hate that there are wives, girlfriends and families, who don't get to communicate with their loved ones. I am thinking about you. I am sorry. You are a stronger person than I am.

Tonight, I hate this. I hate all of this.
Except for him.

 I love you, so much.

Awful Suckful Day - Also, potentially life-saving advice.

I am angry and sad and frustrated and overwhelmed.

SN: This is probably not directed at you. I have the sneaking suspicion the directee's do not read my blog, or read for that matter. Zack and I have both been overwhelmed by the support from our family and friends. We love all of you so much.
I swear if one more person tells me to be strong, I will lose my mind. I am literally seconds away from fluffy bunny kicking crazy.
YOU be strong. Be strong next time you feel like you should tell me what you would do, be strong and don't give me your advice.

I know we will be fine.
I know he is going to come home safe.
I also know that for the next 359 days, give or take, I wont be able to be with him. I won't be able to go grocery shopping with him. I won't be able to watch movies with him. I won't be able to cuddle, or sleep with him.
I am so sad. I miss my husband.
I missed him before I got out of the airport. I sobbed the entire hour it took me to get out of the parking garage.

Isnt that special that you think that if you were in my position you could high-five your husband and gleefully skip to your car, I guess my husband and i just love each other more. Or maybe theres just something really wrong with you, or maybe theres just something really wrong with me. Regardless.

Going to the airport with my husband, and leaving without him absolutely killed me. I am devastated. We do everything together, and even driving home to our quiet house felt like I was being kicked in the stomach. And not just because our A/C conveniently went out last night, and the dog food in the kitchen is cooking in these temps, and smells awful.
I'm not being dramatic.
I miss him with my entire body.
I love him so much.
I hate this.

I hate it.

I know it's going to be ok. But today blows. I miss him so much.