6 Weeks Downiversary!

So, I'm totally over the whole deck of cards thing...

Welp. Another long week down.

It doesn't seem possible at all that it's been 6 weeks!

I definitely didn't know it would be this hard to adjust. It is. But, it is getting easier. I was just telling Zack that today. It's getting easier to be by myself so much. I miss him, but I can sleep a little more now. I don't cry myself to sleep every night.

There are still some nights when I do. But our sweet Hank is there to squeeze. Lucy is there to... attack me.

Things aren't perfect, but they're getting better. It's getting to be ok.

And I feel terrible about that. I know that's stupid, and I know Zack doesn't want me to be sad all the time. Honestly, I don't want it either. It's a subconcious thing. If it's getting easier that must mean that I'm learning to live without him, and that's where I'm not comfortable. I feel guilty. I don't want to learn to live without him, I don't want to stop missing him. I wont him to come home. I know it's stupid and I have to live my own life. I can't help it. I really wish I didn't feel that way.

But, it is getting easier.

I just wish he could come home. I miss him so much.

As it turns out not working for as long as I did, first because I didn't want to, and second so that I could spend time with Zack, is not helping me re-enter the workforce. I'm not particularly concerned about money, but it would be nice to have some sort of schedule. Good for my mental health, ya feel me?

I am losing weight like it's my job though, and that is a lot of fun. Even when I'm feeling absolutely terrible, it still makes me feel good to look at how my clothes are fitting. This week I found a pair of capri's I meant to return 2 months ago, because when I bought them I didn't try them on and when I got them home I couldn't even button them. This time they fit comfortably, even a little loose. After wearing them a couple of hours I definitely needed a belt.
I was so excited I almost peed.

Losing weight for me is definitely sort of a psychological experiment. When I eat right, and excercise, I feel good but there is a certain level of anxiety and compulsion that I feel the entire day. If I have a day where I cheat, even a little- were talking one cookie that I count the points for and still stay on my WW plan-, I am far more relaxed. I don't know what that's about.

I mean I do, I think it's pretty obvious. When I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing I obsess about it and it's all I can think about, therefore driving me slightly out of my mind. When I cheat, even if it's not really cheating, all the pressure of doing everything right is gone. I guess I just need to give myself a break.

I'm a douche.

Whatever it takes. It's working.

This whole flood thing is getting totally out of hand. I'm ready for it to be OVER. I don't want it to happen, but for goodness sake either do it or don't! Everyone is on edge. It's exhausting. The rumors are obscene. I certainly hope 98% of them are false.

I will say I can't help but find it rude and insensitive the way the local media is handling the whole situation. "Another small town in Iowa has been devastated by a breach in the levee. Now to Derek for more College World Series news." Are you joking?

I get it. This area needs the CWS, it makes everybody a lot of money. But if the city officials can say confidently "We are not going to allow the flooding to get to TD Ameritrade Park" why can't the city officials say "We are not going to allow the flooding to devastate everyone in the flood zones". Excuse me while my conspiracy theorist comes out, but I think something shady is happening here. There are military trucks, filled with uniformed National Guard, everywhere!

What is going on?!

The people in my area, and people MILES from the river, are being informed that we are in a level 1 alert. Level 1 Alert, as indicated by the paper work they gave me, is the threat of an unusual or slowly developing event that may impact a levee system or a flood protection system. So, basically level 1 is them telling us "something is going to happen". So, why in the world has it not been mentioned ONCE on the news?! I can only imagine that it is thousands of people who have been informed, by CITY OFFICIALS, going door to door and no one has said word one about level one.

Unacceptable.

Also, on the paperwork given to me there is a number that you can call to be signed up for a phone call if and when there is an emergency type issue. I can only imagine this is available because they won't mention it on the news. I called the number Sunday, when I was notified, to sign up... angrily. Get this, though... they're not OPEN ON SUNDAYS! No one is available to answer the phone on Sundays. Let's all cross our fingers the levee's work extra hard on Sundays.

I just called them again (written Monday) , to get signed up and the lady said "If you have internet, you could just sign up online.". Well color me foolish, I suppose I could have read that in the paperwork... only that IS NOT IN ANY OF THE PAPERWORK?! I hate to complain, I know they have tough jobs, but I feel like this situation is not being handled well by our city officials. The lady was like " I know it's not on any of the information being given out. I don't know why it's not on any of those papers.". Me either, lady. Me either.
I am annoyed.

I am packing.

I am missing my husband.

Best I can do, I suppose.

Other than my obvious distaste for this situation, I am doing better. I do miss my husband like crazy. I love him so much, and I think this situation would be much easier if he was here. But, I am learning to be strong. I am learning to kick this deployments ass one day at a time. One week at a time. One month at a time. Next thing you know all of this will be a bad memory and Zack and I will live happily ever after on top of a hill hundreds of miles from any water source :]

Thank you for going through this journey with me you guys. You're all so fantastic!

So. Negative.

Sometimes I miss Zack so much it is physically debilitating. It actually hurts.
I'm happy for the wives who aren't really bothered by being alone, I really don't judge them. I'm actually jealous.
This week I am mostly sad. Some days I think it's getting much easier, but today, I think it's much harder and the wound of my husband having to spend a year elsewhere is still pretty fresh.
This week I finally kicked that stupid Thunderbolt cell phone (that's right, turns out I hate it) and Verizon, to the curb.
I got a new iphone4 with AT&T and now I can TEXT Zack. It's the best thing that's happened for our relationship since he left. I feel closer to him. Which is probably why this last few days have been so difficult, because I feel closer to him but he is still so, so, far away. I literally can't explain to you what I would do to see him right now, and be able to touch him. I promise you it's way more exciting, and explicit, than what I would do for a Klondike bar.
Yep. I'm going crazy.

And now my house might be in this stupid flood. It's infuriating. It's stupid and I hate it.

Also, I miss my Grandma. A lot. She's in Florida right now, and I really want her to come home. To her house.

Before I get the hate mail, I know how lucky I am that my husband isn't in Afghanistan or somewhere where I have to worry about how dangerous it is. I know I am super blessed to be able to talk to him and text him, sometimes even skype him. I guess I'm just a whiner, ok? I miss him so much. There's nothing I can do. So I'm complaining. Because it's late at night, and I miss my husband.
I don't want to spend my 27th night in bed with Hank and Lucy, and no Zack.
Tonight, It's weighing heavy on my heart that I have at least 342 more nights alone. Sometimes that happens. More than likely I will wake up in the morning and feel good, like I can deal with all the absolute nonsense happening here, by myself. But tonight, I miss my partner. I miss Zack.
And this is my blog. So if you don't like it don't read it.
However, know that every day I'm thinking about the families not as lucky as ours. I hate that there are wives, girlfriends and families, who don't get to communicate with their loved ones. I am thinking about you. I am sorry. You are a stronger person than I am.

Tonight, I hate this. I hate all of this.
Except for him.

 I love you, so much.

Naked Skype Chatting

(This blog entry's original post date is May 11th... however my blog is obsessed with this post for some reason, and occasionally reposts it as a new post without my permission... sorry about that...)

By accident... of course.

I am a very anxious person. I worry a lot. I am very nervous about all of this, as to be expected, and I had a very long night.
Hint- Don't watch international flight tracking.

As my frequent blog readers know, I am quite the little bath taker. When I get nervous (bored, tired, sleepy, hot, cold... anything really) I take a bath, and facebook stalk on my cellular. Yes, even though I have a brand new cell phone (a Thunderbolt actually, it rocks by the way).

Anyway.

This morning around 3am, since I'm not sleeping, I decided to take a bath. I knew Zack was in the airport waiting for his flight to Bahrain and that he could be calling or skyping me soon, but I also thought it might be a while, which is why I decided to take a bath.

I definitely didn't want to miss a skype call or a phone call so I decided to prop my laptop up on the toilet- easily reachable from the tub- just in case my cell phone didn't get the skype call for whatever reason.

Well, as I'm sure you've guessed. About 5 minutes after sinking into a flaming hot bubble bath, I got a skype call on my laptop. Which I immediately answered naked in the bath tub.

Skype is so fantastic

He was in a starbucks.
Eh, whatever.
I'm just so glad I got to see his face.
I miss him so much.

He will be done traveling FINALLY this evening. I'm hoping to hear from him shortly after he lands. Then I hope to sleep for a very long time.
I will be so relieved when he is done traveling and I know he is safe and ok.
I miss him so much.

I miss him so, so, much.

He is well by the way. He was happy to see his naked wife and his sweet Hank and Lucy. We are both very sad, and having a hard time adjusting. But it's only been a few days, and we are both very, very, tired. We will be ok.

I am so lucky I have him to miss.

Oh and, in true Zackery style, he skype introduced me, while naked in the bathtub, to his new barista friend. Hahahaha. Whatever. He could only see to my naked shoulders. Poor guy.

Alfred Had Nothing On Ankaboot

One of my major concerns about when Zack is gone is my lack of a spider killer. Every year in the fall, well all 2 of them, that I've been in this house the spider problem is terrifying. From the windows in our house we can see the bigger than a half dollar size spiders crawling around in the bushes in front of the house.
When it was just Haley and I the spiders inside the house were a much much larger issue. I don't know why. They were EVERYWHERE. We had this super massive lint roller (read: intense dog hair problem) that looked like a paint roller. It was on a super long extendable poll thingy. Haley and I rolled several spiders from a safe 6 feet away while screaming and hopping like lunatics. It was touch and go, and I made the landlord hire someone to spray, but we lived.
Last year we met Alfred.
Alfred was a spider the size of a hamster. He was big enough that I knew his name from reading his name tag. He came to terrify me by building a web right in front of my living room windows every night, that reached just close enough to the porch banister that I thought Hank would get caught in it. Every night he looked at me through the window while I shook, with all 100 of his creepy little eye balls. For months he showed up every night around 6pm and was gone, web included, by the time I woke up in the morning. Sneaky little bastard.
I'm pretty sure Alfred had to work very early in the morning, so he had to pack it up and get their on time. Thank God Hay and I made such a spectacle of spider killing, because I think Alfred heard about it. Which is why he never let me catch his big ass in my house.
Regardless, Alfred was something I talked about on facebook on the regular. His presence, even outside, haunted me. All of my friends were aware of Alfred and when Zack was home he and his friends would stand on the porch and smoke while I stared at Alfred hoping the second hand smoke would cause him to contract an illness. This went on for months, and Zack refused to put out a hit on the little bastard because he said he ate the mosquitoes and other bugs and that Alfred was probably the reason that we didn't really have an indoor spider problem. This theory was of no consequence to me, and gave me nightmares about him eating smaller spiders. It was horrifying.
Then came what should have been D day for Alfred, but what turned out to be the day I wanted to burn the house down and build a new one, and move out of it just for good measure.
Zack and Doug had been drinking, and I had a headache, so I went to bed at about midnight. When Zack smokes he usually leaves the front door open, because he likes to talk to the people in the house. Even when there's no one in the living room, out of habit, he leaves the door open. Meaning I could hear went on that night.
I like to listen to the drunken ramblings of my husband and his friends because they're absolutely silly. That night they were discussing using my spray deodorant and a lighter to, essentially, blow torch Alfred. I immediately yelled out to tell them I did not want them to burn the house down, and I was pretty sure if they lit him on fire he would just run his humungous flaming ass into the house to call 911. It was a disaster in the making, and I advised against it.
Well, like a lot of the things I advise drunk people against, they decided this was the best plan of action and I was too tired to deal with the nonsense. I crossed my fingers and fell asleep.
The next thing I know, probably about 10 minutes later, I heard women screaming outside at the top of their lungs. They were screaming and yelling "Under the stair! Move the stair!" And then more loud squealing screams. The women sounded like they were being chased by a tiger and I thought maybe Zack and Doug caught the neighbors house on fire and the girls who live next door ran out only to be greeted by a flaming Alfred. In that case the screaming made sense. So I jumped up and ran out to the living room to see what was happening.
To my surprise the only women yelling were Zack and Doug. And they were doing the familiar spider killing hop and scream that Haley and I had done. They were standing in the yard trying to gain control of their flailing limbs when I came out. It was hilarious, but I was relieved because I assumed that, like when Hay and I did the hop and scream, Alfred had seen his last days.
Alas, I was incorrect.
Apparently what had happened was that they had set Alfred's web ablaze and Alfred casually hopped on to the ground (when the woman screaming began). My brave USN Sailors then moved the single cement stair next to the porch to 'get him' and just as they did... a SNAKE slithered out from underneath. Causing the hilarious limb flailing and my sudden urge to burn the house down.
Why me?? WHY ME??
That was the day I discovered my husband is also scared of spiders. And snakes. Maybe not to my extent, he could still take them out sober in broad day light with a shoe, but he was definitely a little frightened of MASSIVE man spiders when intoxicated, and he doesn't like snakes much either.

** Side note** Alfred showed up again several days later, only this time he was more aggressive and hung from the screen door. 

I locked Zack out of the house and told him he could live in it again when he got rid of Alfred. I recorded the Shoe Vs Spider showdown, and on that glorious day the Shoe won.  

The snake, or rather a snake, met it's match with the lawn mower a few days after that.****

Welp.

Today my mom sent me a message about how my brother saw something on the Discovery Channel about massive spiders in Bahrain. So I did some googling... holy shit.

Meet Ankaboot (spider in Arabic)

I hate the idea of not being with Zack, but I have never ever been so happy to not be going to Bahrain with him before in my LIFE. Holy balls.

You may now take pause and itch all over.

I wont post any more terrible pictures of Bahraini spiders here. Google it though, if you're brave. They're massive. And they're aggressive.

I'm going to put the Shoe Vs Spider showdown on a DVD for Zack to take with him to Bahrain. If he's smart he will play it on a loop in his barracks so that the spiders tell their spider friends what a spider killing badass Zack is.  

You and I will know the truth, but they don't need to know. 

Bummer.

I am far too bummed to blog right now. No orders. We were rejected.

I don't know where we go from here or what the plan is now. I'll update everyone when I know. For right now though I'm realizing and remembering that I am very lucky to have my husband and the life that I have and waiting a minute to find out the next step will be ok. It blows. But, it will be ok. Things could be worse. We are lucky and spoiled and blessed.

Life is good.



UPDATE:
Here's what my amazing Husband has to say on the matter, with a little more explanation.
I'm quoting facebook postings--

--Zackery Williams: I found out on nko... Sicily was n for no and Japan and Guam were t for try again. No Bahrain. Fuck it... I don't care anymore. All I care about is my loving wifey and my beautiful doggy Hank. It is what it is.

And on my wall he wrote
--Zackery Williams: Molly it practically ruined my day. But knowing that you will still be home makes me not care about where we go. Basset Hound.


Tell me he isn't the best husband??

I'm a lucky girl.

Awkward

I have 4 followers! This is very exciting.

I am having a weird day, so this could be a weird post.

I am super anxious about moving. I heard that song American Honey in the car this morning. That lyric about "so ready to go, but wasn't quite ready to leave". I am feeling THAT way. It is uncomfortable.

Where will I eat when I don't want to cook? Where will I eat when I try to cook and it is a miserable failure? I can't just hop in the car and go to my parents house.

Where will Zack and I spend our free evenings when we are broke? We love to hang with my family. Even when we're not broke.

Who will I watch the bachelorette with? Who will tell me what books to read? Who will sew me things and go garage sale-ing? I will miss my Grandma SO MUCH.

Who will bother me at unreasonable hours, sleep on my couch, and vomit in my sink? There's no little brother overseas.

I will miss my mom, who makes me nuts, so much. Every. Day. And my Dad who I love more than anything.

What about unreasonably early breakfasts with everyone?

What about texting my aunts or cousins whenever I want for advice? It can't happen overseas.

What about texting Deena whenever I want?

How in the world am I going to function??

On the other hand, I can't wait to be gone. It will be such an awesome experience. I love my husband and I know how lucky I am to get to go with him, and spend this time with him. Our relationship is going to be even more spectacular after this.

I know I'll get to come home occasionally. It will take about as many hours to get home as it takes me minutes to get to my parents now. But whatever.

It's not forever. It's 3 years. It will be ok.. right? I just want everything to be ok.

I. Am. Concerned.

sigh.

Anyway, today I am washing Zack's uniform. I love seeing US NAVY on it. I know that makes me kind of a douche. But whatever, I'm proud =)

The entire time it was in the washing machine I was a nervous wreck that I would somehow ruin it. Don't worry though, folks. Everything turned out fine.

I knew this would be a weird post, ha I apologize. I can't seem to get my thoughts straight today. That's ok. I'll try again later.

THanks for suffering through that with me, everybody.

I Burn Everything

This is not a joke. Today I tried to make myself a Bertolli pasta dinner thingy where the instructions were basically one step. My entire house smells like an Italian bonfire. It's disgusting.

Preparation instructions are: Cut open bag. Empty bag into 12 inch skillet on medium heat. Cover. Stir after 5 minutes. Cover. Cook 5 more minutes. Eat.

What happened when I tried to make it? Rip open bag. Pick up spilled contents of bag and throw in skillet on medium heat. Cover. After 2 minutes disable fire alarm. Swear. Scrape unburned noodles and chicken into trusty microwave safe bowl. Microwave 2 minutes. Eat several bites. Give to Hank.

I have absolutely no idea what happened here to make this go awry. I am disheartened. However, my salvaged pasta was delicious, and I haven't gotten sick yet. Which is sweet.

This is a near daily battle for me. I can not cook. I used to think that I could and just didn't want to, but things like this lead me to believe that maybe I am defective. Which concerns me. I have a husband to feed. I'm no June Cleaver and I'm certain he could go without any of my culinary assistance but he's pretty awesome and I like to make sure he's not hungry. Thank goodness he loves me. Occasionally I will somehow produce something from scratch that will be delicious and he is very greatful. Occasionally I will produce something edible and he is equally happy. He just loves me. He's the best.

I really am trying. I purchase devices to help me cook. My bean pot is pretty much the only thing that I can successfully use, but it's dangerous and I have a scar on my right hand to prove it. I also requested randomly a sweet new infomercial item that should be arriving this week, fingers crossed on that going well!

What is even more frustrating, or for that matter... annoying, is that my brother not only CAN cook, as in has the ability, but is very good at it. Like, professionally. Where in the world did he get these skills?? He had to have been born with them. I can spell, he can cook. I don't know.

Ugh.

On an unrelated note Zack and I will find out what country we will be hanging our theoretical hats in in less than 2 weeks. To say I am anxious is an understatement. For those who don't know, Zack put in orders for Japan, Sicily, and Guam. OBVIOUSLY I would LOVE Sicily, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that it is unlikely. It doesn't matter. I can't help lean towards one choice over the other, but I know how lucky I am to get to be stationed with him. They could say were sending you guys, and Hank, to the moon and I would deal.

It's getting real ladies and gents.

Babe

My husband could beat up your husband. Ok, maybe he could, maybe he couldn't... but he could probably out sing him.

My husband rocks. He is everything I could have ever asked for in a person to share my life with, and I literally thank the Big Man every single day, that he is in my life.

<3 What a dorko <3

That being said, I'm pretty sure my family is turning in to one of those families that says things like "If something ever happens with Molly and Babe I'm not sure who we'll keep!". They LOVE this kid. I get it, I picked him, but c'mon!

My entire family refers to my husband as 'Babe'. They say it's because that's what I call him, and there are already too many Zach's in the family. Right.

Let's take today for example. I am sick. I have some sort of disgusting stomach flu that I will spare all (both) of you the details of. It is gross but my parents changed my diapers, so when I spoke to them I expected them to, as usual, ask me every tiny detail... "what color are you puking?" Etc. They're weird, and nothing is personal or private in my family. This is one of a million reasons why I love them.

Anyways, I wake up from a particularly sweaty nap and decided it was time to call Bob and Mickey to see if I can score some front door delivery lime popsicles, or at the very least, their deepest sympathies for my condition. Let me tell you what actually happened.

"Hey, sis how ya feelin'?" The concerned voice of my father answering the phone for his sickly only daughter (and clear favorite child). "Well, Dad" I sigh, "I've been better, I'm thinking it's unrelated to whatever was making me sick before, and its just that stomach thing you guys had...". I admit it, I placed a little blame there hoping for two boxes of popsicles. "I'm sorry Mol... Babe at work?" He responds.

I'm caught off guard by this... perhaps he is wondering if Babe has already purchased and perhaps fed me these life saving treats that I so desire...

"Uhh yeah, he had to leave a little while ago. He won't be home until 7am or so..." I say quietly to assure them that my throat is sore and in desperate need of cold limey goodness. "Oh, well that sucks, I'm sorry. Here's Mom I'm all greeeeeasy."

Pump the brakes. No Zack no talky? How is this acceptable?

Repeat that with the voice of a slightly more distracted Michelle Lich and you have the entire conversation. Only at the part where I speak quietly, my darling mom tells me to take the dick out of my mouth so she can hear me. I admit I laughed hysterically, but I did not get my popsicles. And Dawn, if you happen to read this... I didn't have anything but a breath mint in my mouth.

This is a constant issue. I'm funny, but Zack is new and my family can NOT get enough of him. I wait in the BLISTERING heat to pick up cousin Cody from drivers Ed., he gets in the car and says "Babe working?"... seriously??? Little Zach calls me and I get excited thinking perhaps he is as bored as I am and would like to come clean my house, or accompany Hank and I on a walk, and instead he says "hey, Molly. Is Babe at work today?". Let's just say the answer to that question usually determines whether or not he still wants to play with me. Keep in mind, they ALL wanted to play with me pre-babe.

Sigh.

It has even spread to my Grandma's.

So, now I have to decide. Do I infect Zack with my illness and see how they react to determine if they still love me? Or do I infect Zack with my illness as a punishment for making them love him so much? It's a tough call.

The moral of the story is I love my husband more than they do, damnit, and my family BETTER love me at least equally :). I know these are truths. I just want my popsicles.

I do believe ill go watch Madagascar for the eleventh time today.


Follow up- My Daddy just called to check on me again and told me if I need anything to tell him and that no one loves me more than him :) feeling much better.


Thanks for reading this one too, kiddos.