Tuesday, June 21, 2011
6 Weeks Downiversary!
Welp. Another long week down.
It doesn't seem possible at all that it's been 6 weeks!
I definitely didn't know it would be this hard to adjust. It is. But, it is getting easier. I was just telling Zack that today. It's getting easier to be by myself so much. I miss him, but I can sleep a little more now. I don't cry myself to sleep every night.
There are still some nights when I do. But our sweet Hank is there to squeeze. Lucy is there to... attack me.
Things aren't perfect, but they're getting better. It's getting to be ok.
And I feel terrible about that. I know that's stupid, and I know Zack doesn't want me to be sad all the time. Honestly, I don't want it either. It's a subconcious thing. If it's getting easier that must mean that I'm learning to live without him, and that's where I'm not comfortable. I feel guilty. I don't want to learn to live without him, I don't want to stop missing him. I wont him to come home. I know it's stupid and I have to live my own life. I can't help it. I really wish I didn't feel that way.
But, it is getting easier.
I just wish he could come home. I miss him so much.
As it turns out not working for as long as I did, first because I didn't want to, and second so that I could spend time with Zack, is not helping me re-enter the workforce. I'm not particularly concerned about money, but it would be nice to have some sort of schedule. Good for my mental health, ya feel me?
I am losing weight like it's my job though, and that is a lot of fun. Even when I'm feeling absolutely terrible, it still makes me feel good to look at how my clothes are fitting. This week I found a pair of capri's I meant to return 2 months ago, because when I bought them I didn't try them on and when I got them home I couldn't even button them. This time they fit comfortably, even a little loose. After wearing them a couple of hours I definitely needed a belt.
I was so excited I almost peed.
Losing weight for me is definitely sort of a psychological experiment. When I eat right, and excercise, I feel good but there is a certain level of anxiety and compulsion that I feel the entire day. If I have a day where I cheat, even a little- were talking one cookie that I count the points for and still stay on my WW plan-, I am far more relaxed. I don't know what that's about.
I mean I do, I think it's pretty obvious. When I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing I obsess about it and it's all I can think about, therefore driving me slightly out of my mind. When I cheat, even if it's not really cheating, all the pressure of doing everything right is gone. I guess I just need to give myself a break.
I'm a douche.
Whatever it takes. It's working.
This whole flood thing is getting totally out of hand. I'm ready for it to be OVER. I don't want it to happen, but for goodness sake either do it or don't! Everyone is on edge. It's exhausting. The rumors are obscene. I certainly hope 98% of them are false.
I will say I can't help but find it rude and insensitive the way the local media is handling the whole situation. "Another small town in Iowa has been devastated by a breach in the levee. Now to Derek for more College World Series news." Are you joking?
I get it. This area needs the CWS, it makes everybody a lot of money. But if the city officials can say confidently "We are not going to allow the flooding to get to TD Ameritrade Park" why can't the city officials say "We are not going to allow the flooding to devastate everyone in the flood zones". Excuse me while my conspiracy theorist comes out, but I think something shady is happening here. There are military trucks, filled with uniformed National Guard, everywhere!
What is going on?!
The people in my area, and people MILES from the river, are being informed that we are in a level 1 alert. Level 1 Alert, as indicated by the paper work they gave me, is the threat of an unusual or slowly developing event that may impact a levee system or a flood protection system. So, basically level 1 is them telling us "something is going to happen". So, why in the world has it not been mentioned ONCE on the news?! I can only imagine that it is thousands of people who have been informed, by CITY OFFICIALS, going door to door and no one has said word one about level one.
Also, on the paperwork given to me there is a number that you can call to be signed up for a phone call if and when there is an emergency type issue. I can only imagine this is available because they won't mention it on the news. I called the number Sunday, when I was notified, to sign up... angrily. Get this, though... they're not OPEN ON SUNDAYS! No one is available to answer the phone on Sundays. Let's all cross our fingers the levee's work extra hard on Sundays.
I just called them again (written Monday) , to get signed up and the lady said "If you have internet, you could just sign up online.". Well color me foolish, I suppose I could have read that in the paperwork... only that IS NOT IN ANY OF THE PAPERWORK?! I hate to complain, I know they have tough jobs, but I feel like this situation is not being handled well by our city officials. The lady was like " I know it's not on any of the information being given out. I don't know why it's not on any of those papers.". Me either, lady. Me either.
I am annoyed.
I am packing.
I am missing my husband.
Best I can do, I suppose.
Other than my obvious distaste for this situation, I am doing better. I do miss my husband like crazy. I love him so much, and I think this situation would be much easier if he was here. But, I am learning to be strong. I am learning to kick this deployments ass one day at a time. One week at a time. One month at a time. Next thing you know all of this will be a bad memory and Zack and I will live happily ever after on top of a hill hundreds of miles from any water source :]
Thank you for going through this journey with me you guys. You're all so fantastic!