It's strange to look forward to 2012 the first day of 2011.
I try to stay positive. Every time I have a negative thought, I try to spin it in to a positive. Lately even, a lot of people have been telling me "It's good that you're staying so positive." If you are one of the people who counts on me for positivity or if it will break your heart to read something else, please skip this post. I'm very sorry.
Well. I have to be honest.
I already feel like 2011 can suck it.
As far as I'm concerned after March, or April, I think I'll just go ahead and hibernate until Zack gets back. Please see the post with the sign up sheet for feeding Hank and Lucy. I expect all of you to participate. Thanks so much =)
I liked 2010. I was comfortable there. It made everything seem far away. Writing a date that ended in 2010 meant that it wasn't even the YEAR Zack would have to leave. I had all the time in the world. Now I feel like it's slipping through my fingers. I don't know what to do about it either. It's frustrating. It makes my heart beat faster than I'm comfortable with.
I'm trying to enjoy every moment with my husband, but then my expectations are so high that I end up being disappointed. Everything bums me out.
And, listen, it's day one. So if I want to be a little negative, damnit I will be.
My friend Brenna's husband is leaving the same time Zack is and she has a baby girl. Can you imagine? She's a great mom, so I know she will be fine, but it's going to be awful. No one enjoys this. And she's leaving me, and moving away.
I'm going to spend a lot of time by myself I think. I'm ok with that. I've always felt like people are so judgey when you're sad. Or competitive, like they have to prove they're sadder.
I know I'm lucky to have my husband. To have found love, the person I'm supposed to be with. That only makes him leaving harder. Some days I can get far enough from the situation that I'm ok, and I can be someone who says "psh, it's only a year". Today, is not one of those days.
I see myself becoming violently angry while he's gone... I swear to goodness, one person tells me to suck it up-- I'll cut them. I will go to jail. Please remember that before you tell me, I signed up for this.
I have to get a job. I'd like to work until I can't remember what day it is.
I feel actual guilt about writing this post... I wish I could be positive all the time but sometimes I can't not cry. Ya feel me? Sometimes it's overwhelming.
I'm not asking for sympathy. I am glad you read this though, it means a lot to me. I swear these poor me posts will be few and far between. Today I am just... shocked. I feel like it sneaked up on me, I guess.
OH, and if I hear "Oh na na, what's my name??" one more time... Listen, it won't be pretty.
Well what a bummer that post was.
To lighten things up, here's an adorable picture of the love of my life and the boy who introduced us, Doug. Coincidently Doug is leaving for Japan soon, and is going to be gone for like... 2 years or 3 years or something. It's obscene. His girlfriend, Linny, is honestly a saint for powering through a long distance relationship for that long.
Annoying... anyway, here's one of their pictures.