Sunday, July 31, 2011

Is This A Joke??

I am having a bad day. Like colossally.

So, I'm going to ramble long-windedly for several minutes and post it to my blog. That's why having a blog is helpful when I'm a mess.

I miss my husband and this is going to be another one of those "not a hint of positivity" posts.

I'm tired of being sad.

I hate that I'm used to missing my partner.

The thing about deployments, or any separation really, is that they freaking suck.

They suck, they suck, they suck. And nobody likes them.

Today Zack and I argued. We argue a lot when we're together because we're both always right (usually I'm more right) and we're both very dramatic. Since he left however, we don't really argue much. Almost not at all actually.

It wasn't like a catastrophic fight (I almost wrote phight... eff.) or anything, but I still said things that right now at 2241 our time and 0641 tomorrow his time I'm feeling super guilty about. I know he's sleeping and I should leave him alone but I am really fighting the urge to call him sobbing right now and make him promise me that he doesn't hate me.

I love him so much.

I wish no one had to go through this whole stupid thing.

There's this double edged sword that my brain, and apparently a lot of other peoples brains, put us through where we want to celebrate a day without being too terribly sad, and then this little voice is like.... "Wait? What does that mean? Aren't you still devastated? Does this not still suck exactly the same as it did the day he left?".

Shut up, brain. Jackass.

I am still devastated. A lot of times I feel like I'm putting on a happy face for everyone else. No one wants to deal with me because I'm sad, and in reality my husband being gone for a year isn't that big of a deal... to them.
Please know, I know there are worse things that could happen, but this pretty much takes the cake on suckful things I've had to go through in my almost 25 years of life.

I hate that I was incapable of using an ATM today for a solid 20 minutes because I can't follow instructions or wait patiently for the stupid machine to function.

I hate that there was a train every single way that I drove today. I feel like in the year 2011 there must be a better way to transport.... wtf do trains even transport?? Whatever it is I'm boycotting it.

Also, I feel like everyone should quit playing the "I have it worse" game. It makes me borderline homicidal.

Stop it. You don't get a prize if you have it worse and are or are not sadder. Quit it right now.

Military wives seem to be real competitors at this game. Thank goodness none of my friends are like this. But I come across it a lot on friends facebook pages.
A friend who's husband is gone 6 months will write something like "I miss my husband" to which 11 people will respond "well I have 7 kids to feed and none of them have any shoes... also one has no feet... and we have to move to a 1 bedroom house on base because you got the good house, and he's gonna be gone 18 months, so you think you have it bad try to be me..." UGH.

Quit it.

We can all be sad.

The first person who tries to one up someone on my facebook page will be immediately eunthanized inhumanely.

Not cool.

I'm exhausted and emotional and I can't take it. Assumingly because I am a terrible person, I take a little comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one going through this.

Recently I read a birth story where a woman got through the pain by envisioning, and trying to spiritually connect with, all the women in the world in labor at that moment, and she was so focused and connected to that thought she remembers almost no pain from labor. How amazing, right?

It helps a little to know that so many people, and so many people that I care about, are going through this same awful deployment bs right now and surviving. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the fact that we are all suffering is out of my control and I feel better envisioning we're all doing it together all over the world.

It is tough but it is temporary. Right?

That sucks so bad. That doesn't help at all tonight.

I miss my husband and I'm rambling on my blog.

That helps a little actually.

And the fact that Lucy is being sweet, possibly the first time in her entire life, right now is strangely as comforting as it is alarming.

I keep thinking about how there is almost 3 months down and I get legitimately angry at the Navy.

Tell me it's what "we or Zack signed up for" and I will cut you...

I can't freaking believe we still have 9 months left.

When it's over it will be such a relief, yet I feel like the Navy has us in a choke hold... I don't have a lot of details yet, so dont ask me... but an early out chit, to me, seems very shady.

Give up this thing we promised you, so you can go home to your wife... you know you want it... 

If he comes home early there are so many instabilities. I loathe this.

I hate that we fought about it.

Everything ended well. Worry not.

Zack and I are very much in love. Our love is unshakable.

Which is why we should be together. Right now.

Because for eff's sake I am spent. I am drained. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am sexually deprived. I am... rambling. And I am SO emotional.

I am also in love. I am lucky. I am healthy. I am loved by the most amazing man, the most amazing family, and the most amazing friends a girl can ask for.

So, I am dealing.

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm having a bad day.


Gloria said...

I love you. I love your blog. I know what you mean 100% on all counts. You're going to be ok! For tonight, drink a lot!!
Thank your husband for me. As for me and my family, we appreciate the sacrifice your family is going through.

Linny said...

ooooh molly. thank goodness you loathe one-uppers as much as i do. trust me. i deal with them a lot since i'm not a military wife and i'm just a military girlfriend. also, bad days often bring good days. you have a really really shitty day, and then the next day you think, welp.. i had a horrible day and now it can only get better. each day that comes on is just another day closer to the day you get to be together. it's really freaking hard to stay positive. i often drive myself crazy trying to keep positive. we are all human, we are allowed to feel sad and upset and hate the navy and then move on with mundane distractions like going to target to get new picture frames (is it sad that makes my day nowadays?). and that's a very interesting way to look at it, putting together everyone's struggles at the same time, that is. i'll try to keep that in mind. i'm not gonna say be strong, because i freaking hate when someone says that to me now. just know that you are in my thoughts and i hope that i am in yours when we think about everyone's struggles who are also missing their beeb :)

Rachel said...

I'm sorry for what you are going through, Molly! I can't even imagine how hard it must be. I complain when I am away for 2 days and you have to go through a year. You are an amazing person for not going into hiding for a year..that is probably what I would have to do. ;) I hope the rest of the time flies by so you can have your hunny back.

Let's meet up for lunch or something sometime!!

Love, Molly said...

Thanks Linny. I envision you missing Doug with me =]
Rachel I insist we meet up asap. Deal?