Sunday, July 31, 2011

Is This A Joke??

I am having a bad day. Like colossally.

So, I'm going to ramble long-windedly for several minutes and post it to my blog. That's why having a blog is helpful when I'm a mess.

I miss my husband and this is going to be another one of those "not a hint of positivity" posts.

I'm tired of being sad.

I hate that I'm used to missing my partner.

The thing about deployments, or any separation really, is that they freaking suck.

They suck, they suck, they suck. And nobody likes them.

Today Zack and I argued. We argue a lot when we're together because we're both always right (usually I'm more right) and we're both very dramatic. Since he left however, we don't really argue much. Almost not at all actually.

It wasn't like a catastrophic fight (I almost wrote phight... eff.) or anything, but I still said things that right now at 2241 our time and 0641 tomorrow his time I'm feeling super guilty about. I know he's sleeping and I should leave him alone but I am really fighting the urge to call him sobbing right now and make him promise me that he doesn't hate me.

I love him so much.

I wish no one had to go through this whole stupid thing.

There's this double edged sword that my brain, and apparently a lot of other peoples brains, put us through where we want to celebrate a day without being too terribly sad, and then this little voice is like.... "Wait? What does that mean? Aren't you still devastated? Does this not still suck exactly the same as it did the day he left?".

Shut up, brain. Jackass.

I am still devastated. A lot of times I feel like I'm putting on a happy face for everyone else. No one wants to deal with me because I'm sad, and in reality my husband being gone for a year isn't that big of a deal... to them.
Please know, I know there are worse things that could happen, but this pretty much takes the cake on suckful things I've had to go through in my almost 25 years of life.

I hate that I was incapable of using an ATM today for a solid 20 minutes because I can't follow instructions or wait patiently for the stupid machine to function.

I hate that there was a train every single way that I drove today. I feel like in the year 2011 there must be a better way to transport.... wtf do trains even transport?? Whatever it is I'm boycotting it.

Also, I feel like everyone should quit playing the "I have it worse" game. It makes me borderline homicidal.

Stop it. You don't get a prize if you have it worse and are or are not sadder. Quit it right now.

Military wives seem to be real competitors at this game. Thank goodness none of my friends are like this. But I come across it a lot on friends facebook pages.
A friend who's husband is gone 6 months will write something like "I miss my husband" to which 11 people will respond "well I have 7 kids to feed and none of them have any shoes... also one has no feet... and we have to move to a 1 bedroom house on base because you got the good house, and he's gonna be gone 18 months, so you think you have it bad try to be me..." UGH.

Quit it.

We can all be sad.

The first person who tries to one up someone on my facebook page will be immediately eunthanized inhumanely.

Not cool.

I'm exhausted and emotional and I can't take it. Assumingly because I am a terrible person, I take a little comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one going through this.

Recently I read a birth story where a woman got through the pain by envisioning, and trying to spiritually connect with, all the women in the world in labor at that moment, and she was so focused and connected to that thought she remembers almost no pain from labor. How amazing, right?

It helps a little to know that so many people, and so many people that I care about, are going through this same awful deployment bs right now and surviving. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the fact that we are all suffering is out of my control and I feel better envisioning we're all doing it together all over the world.

It is tough but it is temporary. Right?

That sucks so bad. That doesn't help at all tonight.

I miss my husband and I'm rambling on my blog.

That helps a little actually.

And the fact that Lucy is being sweet, possibly the first time in her entire life, right now is strangely as comforting as it is alarming.

I keep thinking about how there is almost 3 months down and I get legitimately angry at the Navy.

Tell me it's what "we or Zack signed up for" and I will cut you...

I can't freaking believe we still have 9 months left.

When it's over it will be such a relief, yet I feel like the Navy has us in a choke hold... I don't have a lot of details yet, so dont ask me... but an early out chit, to me, seems very shady.

Give up this thing we promised you, so you can go home to your wife... you know you want it... 

If he comes home early there are so many instabilities. I loathe this.

I hate that we fought about it.

Everything ended well. Worry not.

Zack and I are very much in love. Our love is unshakable.

Which is why we should be together. Right now.

Because for eff's sake I am spent. I am drained. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am sexually deprived. I am... rambling. And I am SO emotional.

I am also in love. I am lucky. I am healthy. I am loved by the most amazing man, the most amazing family, and the most amazing friends a girl can ask for.

So, I am dealing.

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm having a bad day.

Monday, July 25, 2011

11 Weeks Downiversary!

Yes I'm alive! Zack is alive.

We are doing well. I am BUSY busy.I haven't blogged in FOREVER, and would you like to know why?? Because I have a job that sucks all the creativity and the motivation and the will to live right out of me. Okay maybe not the will to live, but the rest of those things are true... because during training I work a terrible middle of the day shift. So I accomplish nothing before and after work. When I get out of training, if I survive, I will get back to my regular bloggy self. I hope.

I'm posting this early so I don't miss posting it tomorrow (Tuesday's mark our actual downiversaries, as you all know). I know I missed last weeks downiversary post, there were circumstances out of my control, and I was a disaster. At work.

I actually really do like my job, I'm just not a fan of this schedule. Not in any tiny way.

Sadly, that is really my only note-worthy update.

Oh, also, my brother moved in with me and he has been a fantastic addition to my everyday life. Also a fantastic subtraction to my refrigerator, and therefore my weight =]

Soon, I will have to update all of you on my weight loss. I am progressing slowly but surely. Exactly as I expected.

I still miss my sexy sailor every single day, but I have been feeling more positive lately. I can't wait to experience our second first kiss. All of our second firsts will be absolutely glorious.

Welp. That about sums it up kiddo's. Here's a fun song that describes our situation perfectly =]
Love you guys.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

8 Weeks Downiversary!!!

8 Weeks Down, folks! It's killing me slowly.
Just kidding.
But it does suck. I'm freaking over it. I would really like my husband to come home now.
This week I applied for a job, interviewed, got it, and started working. It was a busy week. So I apologize for the lack of bloggy goodness. I had planned a long 8 weeks downiversary post, but I had my first day of work today and had to wake up much earlier than I'm used to. So, now I have a headache and I'm a big whiney baby. Plus, I didn't get to talk to Zack very much today.
But, I do really like my new job. It seems like it's going to be a lot of fun!!

ALSO - I wanted to wish my grandparents an extremely happy 53rd Anniversary! They are as happy and in love as Zack and I hope to be in 52 years =]

So, this post is quick and painless. I need sleep. Right now.
I love you all so very much =]
Very soon I will post more indepth about my new job. Thanks for your patience!
Later Gators!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Oh Say Can You See

This morning after I woke up, I was laying in bed cuddling with Hanko and doing my morning facebook stalking. When I came across a video of deployed service members singing The National Anthem.

There is something especially emotional about hearing someone sing The Star Spangled Banner. It's undeniable. Any red-blooded American has gotten watery eyes at a sporting event when the words suddenly hit you.

This morning the words, and those singing them, hit me like a ton of heart-breaking bricks. I laid in bed sobbing and feeling exceptionally sad and patriotic.

Feast your eyes


They are so brave. Their families are so brave. I want them home. Right now.

I miss my husband so much it is physically painful. I know he misses me equally, and we are only 7 weeks and 5 days in. My heart aches for the wives, girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, kids, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends of every single deployed service member, and seeing them there singing is such a reminder. I have never been so sympathetic.

This holiday has been uniquely irritating. I know I will suffer through countless holiday's without Zackery while he is gone, but none more patriotic and loud than this one. I can not ignore it. There are National Guard in uniform everywhere for the flooding, too. There are reminders everywhere.

So while I am ready for it to be over, it has left me feeling remarkably more patriotic than I have ever felt before. I am an emotional basket case. I feel for every family that is away from their brave service member. This weekend over all of my emotions I am feeling pride for what them being gone stands for.

This holiday weekend find time to thank a service member, or their family. They're not hard to find.

Or at the very least try not to complain about how your husband has to work on the Fourth after having the whole weekend off. Our spouses have to work, too.

I love my husband and I miss him with my whole heart. I can't wait til he's home.

Happy Fourth of July weekend to all those away from their families because of duty this weekend. I am proud of all of you. Thank you so much!

Friday, July 1, 2011

I Got A Job & Other Nonsense

I am infuriated by the intentional excavating and eventual blowing up of the levee's in Desoto Bend. Supposedly no one has any idea who did it. The story KETV published first says exactly that... no one has any idea who did it. The story published minutes later says they think the residents of Desoto Bend did it... with their personal bull-dozer's and explosive's I would assume... they say they aren't sure who did it or why.

Why is it that people walking on the levee's are being ticketed $350.00 a pop but someone was able to quickly and completely demolish an entire levee while the city remained unaware. I just don't think it's possible.

I will wait to freak out until more information comes to light. But please note that I think something seriously bizarre is happening and am pointing the finger towards all of the people who seemingly rejoice when another small city has a levee breech. The same people who tell us "It's unfortunate but it has taken pressure off of our area". I am concerned. And I am extremely sad for the people who this will effect.

For today I will blog about something else.

Today I was notified that I got a job!

I decided around Monday of this week that I would have a job by the end of the week.

As much as I said I was actively searching before... I wasn't. It was more like actively looking and rarely applying. So Tuesday I applied for something like 15 jobs. By Tuesday evening I had an interview scheduled for Wednesday.

I really should teach classes on being amazing at interviews, I got the call this morning (and missed a call yesterday) informing me that my training for said job will start Tuesday.

I am hoping this will not cut into my blog time. Ha. My hours are evening hours so presumably I will have enough time to walk Hank, workout, and blog all before I need to be there daily. I am very excited.

I have a lot to do this weekend. Packing and moving and etc. Thank goodness I have amazing family and amazing friends who are helping.

You know what's funny is that I thought I had a lot of people in my corner when Zack left. I was surprised though. It turned out I had a lot more than I thought, and I am so grateful to all of them. Some perfect strangers who have offered their time and money to help me. Or at the very least their words of encouragement, or just being there to talk to about the deployment and about the flooding and everything.

There are a very few people who I thought were going to be in my corner who have really let me down, people that I truly counted on. I was, at first, heartbroken by this. But I realized that everything happens for a reason and some people are just really insensitive and selfish. And that is what it is.

Those people have been so insignificant to this journey. Even though they are (seemingly) trying to kick me while I'm down, I won't let it bother me. I'll deal with it the best I can, but I will not let it be the bullet points of the things I've learned since Zack left.

The bullet points are the people who I haven't talked to in forever, or ever, who have turned out to be so amazing.

You are all so amazing. While selling my stuff on craigslist random people will offer to help me move things. People picking up items have offered to give me extra money because they know I'm in the flood zone and they are sympathetic, because it's not fun.

People as a whole are overwhelmingly good. Today's life lessons is don't let the minority get to you. They are just people dealing with their drama in their own way.

You all know how I feel about facebook, and how I love the hide feature. No reason to hurt someone's feelings by unfriending them, just hide them. It's just like unfriending, only they never have to know. They live their lives and you are unaware of their nonsense. If they happen to bother you directly you can just remove their comments. I am learning to hide people in my real life.

I am legitimately sorry for people who are that tricky. While they have hurt my feelings, I am hiding all the negative in my life. When they have bothered me directly I will remove the nonsense from the wall that is my life.

I am so metaphoric.

Yesterday at the height of my hurt feelings, I found that when I can't speak to my sweet husband to calm me the eff down, I want to blog about it. Because I am a huge loser. But, again, it is what it is. So, forwarning. From now on, if you are completely hell bent on making sure you effect my life in a negative way, I will Taylor Swift style call you out when you're a jerk to me.

Fantastic =]

Now that that is out of the way. I don't see it coming up again.

It's been a great week! Blue sushi with my Mom, shopping with my Mom, getting a new job, lots of talking to my Zackery, getting Hank's new pills... getting my life together in general. You can't be kicked when you're down if you don't let anything bring you down.

So now I'm taking a break and going to go Zumba and skype with my Zackery, not at the same time. I am so very in love with him.

More soon friends =]
Love you bunches!

Find a way to give back today, we all have so much to be thankful for!