Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Just Call Me The Twincubator

Today marks 27 weeks gestation!
 We've had a few preterm labor scares and every single week is a huge victory! At 25 weeks and 3 days we got a positive reading on an FFN test when we were at the hospital for contractions. 
The FFN is this insane test that can test for this protein that is found to be present when labor is a "possibility" within 2 weeks. 
Basically that means if the test is negative there is a 95%-99% chance you won't go into labor within 2 weeks. There is some studies that say that number is more like 60%-90% with twins, but there hasn't been enough studies with multiple gestation to say for sure... 
Anyway... A positive indicates that there is a possibility of labor onset within 2 weeks. A 16%-30% chance of going into labor. Any googling will show tons of people saying that a positive doesn't mean anything definitive.
The billion and fifty studies I've read would indicate in a twin gestation the numbers are more like 30%-54% chance of preterm labor within 2 weeks. My chances are (maybe) a little lower because my cervix is still long (3.95 centimeters), thick, closed, and not funneling. 
Still, a positive FFN shouldn't be taken lightly with twins, and I was put on strict bedrest. My only real symptom of preterm labor was pretty consistent contractions (30 or so in 12 hours) every day. So, to combat that my new OB, who I love dearly, prescribed procardia. It hasn't completely knocked out the contractions but I am more confident that 12 or so a day is a safer number. 
Anyway... I've spent the last couple weeks panicking. I am so scared of micro preemie babies and the first day of the 27th week technically welcomes us into the "very premature" status. Although I have no intention of allowing them to come for at least 7 more weeks, 27 weeks feels good. 28 weeks will feel amazing. I am not sure exactly why but 28 weeks is a big week for twin gestations. Our doctor told us it was when we could breathe a mini-sign of relief. Everything 30 weeks and after is a huge sigh of relief.
The babies are soo strong. Especially our little lunatic girl baby, affectionately known as Maria. She is so wiggly. It's incredible. Baby boy, or Paco, is also strong, but considerably more mellow than his sisterly counter-part. 
We love them so much. I obsess all day about them. Even in a rare moment I'm not scared and worrying, I'm thinking about who they will be and how excited I am to cuddle them. 
Bedrest has been interesting. I've updated all of our baby registries if you want to buy us a present, haha. Just search Molly and Zackery Williams, items can be sent directly to our house :) Amazon, target, babies r us. I've watched just about everything on netflix and hulu. I've purchased books on my kindle app. I've covered my stretch marks in coconut oil because they bleed now. I eat. Then when I'm done with that I eat some more. Followed by eating. Yet, no weight gain. I google as much as I eat. That's a lie, I google twice as much as I eat. Which is why I know that I should have gained more weight by now. Hopefully all the calories are going STRAIGHT to my sweet little womb mates. 
They were 50th and 58th percentile for size at 24 weeks, and we have another scan a week from Friday. I'm interested/excited/anxious to see where they rank now. I would like them to be big fatties :) 
So that's that! I'm gonna try to get more public writing done. I like it, it makes me feel social and interactive, haha. In the mean time if anyone has any tips or tricks for weight gain- I'd love to hear it. Also, if you have any experience with a positive FFN, I'd love to hear that as well. 

Our twinlets kissing during an ultrasound last week :) 

Monday, November 4, 2013

Dear Babies (Part 1)

Hi kiddos! 
It is 2:59 am on Monday morning. I can't stop thinking about you, and I thought I would write you a quick note.
 Tomorrow you will reach viability, and while that is very exciting, we won't meet you for at least 10 more weeks.
 I already know you, and you guys are so cool. Baby "Maria", you are my little kick boxer. Super active and feisty. Baby "Paco", you are more relaxed but on occasion your sister will get turned around and harass you and you get crazy. 
I love you both so much. So please keep cooking, stay healthy, we will wait to meet you. I promise to take things easy until you get here and feed you delicious things. Your Dad is great and is taking care of all of us so I can take care of you. 
I know that while I carry you with me you are the safest you'll ever be. Tucked safely inside me and growing your little bodies, I know where you are. I know you're happy. I know you're fed. I know you're warm. I know you're awesome. I feel so responsible to make sure you always know how awesome you are and how much your dad and I love you. 
You were so wanted. You are so loved. You will never know a day of loneliness because so many people love you. You are so important to us, and to so many more people. 
You weigh well under 2 pounds right now and your Dad and I would do anything in this world for either of you, in a second. The real stuff. We love you so. 
This pregnancy has not been easy. Some days I am so frustrated with all of the happenings that I could cry. But I never forget how lucky I am that I was chosen to be your Mom. Even in my weakest moment, I am beaming with pride that I get to keep you. A year ago I would have been so absurdly jealous of me. 
It has never been clearer to me before that good things are worth the fight. I will always fight for you.
Anyway, we love you. That's what I'm getting at. We promise to do our very best and be our very best. All I've ever wanted was to be your mom, and your Dad is the greatest. 
So stay safe, and healthy. I promise, promise, your outside life will be worth the wait. 
Love you, 
Your Very Sleepy Mama

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Pre-Announcement Twin Pregnancy Ramblings

Before I was allowed to announce our twinlets to the kingdom I wrote all of my pre-announcement feelings into my phone. Today, I am posting that nonsense for all of you to read :) 


"Do you want a Twinkie?"

"Obviously.... Please hurry... Please open it since I'm driving.... Wow, you just keep not giving me that Twinkie."

"Will you relax??"

"Will you give me the Twinkie?"

Craving fruit and ketchup. 

2:32am call to babe at work.

"Babe... Sometimes it just hits me that we're having twins and I'm like..."



"Pretty fucking exciting"

"We have to quit talking like that"


Pregnancy brain is a very real thing.. Today I typed "are water is so gross.." Instead of our. I'm worried about my future. Perhaps I've had a stroke. 

Hiccups are the prelude to vomit 9 times out of 10 when pregnant. Be aware. 

If you wait too long to eat or drink, you will vomit. Why is this so hard for me to learn? 

Latest name Zack suggests if one or both of twins is a girl-- Francerd

I would kill a man for froyo right now. Not a joke. 

Sinus infection + pregnancy = misery .... But babies make it TOTALLY WORTH IT. 

Took my antibiotic and my prenatals with a rootbeer freeze as a chaser. Rootbeer freeze is the only food I've been able to keep down today... Pills are gonna make me lose it too. Lesson learned. 

Just read an article a woman wrote on the eve of her twins 13th birthday, addressed to the 13 years ago version of her, when her twins were first born. And SOBBED. Did I think this through?? I'm going to love and worry about these people FOREVER. Until I die. No matter what. That seems incredibly scary. It's too late to go back. I love these two babies and I fought hard to make them and keep them safe... I will be a mental case from now on. There's no end to this anxiety... It's forever. And actually... I have to say... I'm still super fucking excited. 

"Yeah, vagina's do a lot of really gross things during pregnancy." Thanks Doc. 

It's amazing how little it takes to make me so sick. 

"I can't wait to find out what flavors they are! I hope it's a blueberry and a strawberry."


I thought the super sensitive smell nonsense was over... Nope. Silly babies.

I can't imagine what people who have kids already do when they're pregnant. All I want to do is lay around and vomit. And search the internet for baby stuff I need....

Zack guards our baby names like people are asking for our social security numbers. "Oh you're having twins?? Do you have names picked out?" "Yes, but we can't tell you." Yeah... The random Walmart checker is totally going to steal our names... Relax.

At 10w2d I saw fetus A moving on the ultrasound. It was the most exciting, emotional, terrifying, motivating thing I have ever experienced. So cool :) I'm betting that's a boy. He was definitely hyper-active like his Daddy. 


Shelby texting me, and me having to pee every hour, will keep me from sleeping through the night for the rest of my life... Or this pregnancy. Twins will eliminate sleep after that. Clearly, since Shelby never, ever, sleeps. 

Alert. Alert. I need a cheesey gordita crunch, STAT. This is not a drill.

Would love to take this opportunity to use my blog post update post announcement of our sweet little munchkins, to acknowledge all the great people in my life, especially my husband. I have not been particularly easy to deal with the last 14 weeks, and everyone has been really great at just going with the flow and being super supportive. Our families have been amazing, despite their inability to keep secrets! My parents, as usual have helped us more than we can ever thank them for. My in-laws have been fantastic. We are so blessed! 

Pregnancy has assured me that, while he drives me insane, there really is no one better for me in this world than Zackery. A man who is willing to listen to you cry (for the 10th time today) because the children's book you are randomly reading "is just so sad", make 1000 late night food runs, not complain about all night sickness sessions, take care of literally everything around the house while you sleep 14 hour blocks, and watch your food and water intake until you want to hit him.. Is a good man. Zack is extraordinary. I love him to the bottom of my soul and I can't wait to be a parent with him the rest of our lives. 

I am so in love with our family. It nearly breaks my emotional heart. 

Thinking of dying my hair grey.. Think Pink or Kelly Osborne. To make the inevitable transition easier. Anxiety! 

I need a twin planner. That's like a party planner for babies. I need someone to buy all the stuff I need so I can stop thinking I'm forgetting something, and then send me the bill. Also, I would like to not receive the bill. 

There are at least 100 different kinds of cloth diapers. I think we're set for the first 15 minutes or so after birth as far as diapers go. So that's a relief. 

Everyone I know is having babies right now. All our kids will grow up together... and I will tell you now I'm totally judging your kids by your actions when they all go out together in high school. In fact ill say it now. The twins aren't allowed to hang out with any of the kids of people I hung out with in high school. 

I am a super bitch. The more pregnant I get the more I want to punch everyone. 

Babe my nipples are so huge. Have you ever seen nipples this huge? 

Yeah... On a ape :) 

Not funny. 

12 weeks pregnant :) 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Most Beautiful Thing

June 13th I finally saw a second line on a pregnancy test. The first time in a very long 3 years trying to get pregnant. The first time in 6 months of miserable fertility treatments. Up to that point it was the happiest day of my life. Still in my top 3.

There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for them.

Every flutter, every kick, reminds me just how unbelievably lucky I am. My sore hips, my slow wobbly walk, remind me of how unbelievably lucky I am. My growing belly, my road map of stretch marks, all detail the beautiful words to a wonderful beginning of a story I wasn't sure would ever be written.

I don't have a single complaint. I know I've never done anything as important as what started on June 13th, 2013 until the day I die. Being a mommy to these babies is all I've ever wanted. I wasn't sure it would ever happen, and thanks to God and Science, it has.

Thanks to God.

Thank God for bringing me my Zackery. My sweet husband. He is my greatest blessing. Without him I am nothing I love to be.

Without him I'm not a mom.

Without him I'm not in love.

Without him I am not who I am.

Zackery, I love you and our babies with my whole heart. More every day and every day for the rest of my life, I love you. With my whole heart.

Happier days are ahead readers. The happiest days.

Stay tuned :)

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Look Who's WALKING!

After 5 months, the big man decided he walks now. Which means he can finally go potty outside. Which makes my life 100% less stressful.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

What Happened to Hank. The insanely long version...

This morning I got 3 more hours of sleep than usual. I woke up at 7:37am to Hank bitching at me from the dining room, for the 4th time since we went to sleep at 9pm the night before. He knows we don't practice the cry it out method (haha) so if he makes any noise I run our to see if he's ok. Usually he has pooped and needs me to get rid of it. Or he's bored and can't sleep. Or his ears itch. Or the cat's are bothering him. Or he just wants to see me. I am always more than happy to check on him and do what he needs, because I am just so happy he's still here.

On February 9th Hank was acting funny. Zack had surgery on Jan 30th and we had all been stuck in the house 100% of the time since that happened. Hank and I usually go at least one place everyday. Even if it's just to run on base and have lunch with Zack. So, I assumed that Hank was acting funny because he was bored... because I definitely was. So I decided to take him to go for a ride on his favorite street at around 9pm the night before.

I was on the phone with my mom when we walked out to the car, and Hank was so excited to be leaving that I couldn't even get the door to the car all the way open when he tried to jump in the drivers side. As he jumped in he just missed his back feet making the seat and smacked his feet against the side of the car, but pulled them in and didn't even need to make a second go at getting in.

I asked him if he was ok.

He didn't answer.

I got off the phone with my mom and off we went. We drove for about half an hour with the windows down in the dark. He smelled everything. He acted normal.

We got home and he hopped out of the car and walked in the house. Tail wagging.

That night he couldn't sleep. He was next to the bed and he kept waking me up because he was breathing super hard. I didn't think he was in pain, just restless or excited. Eventually I found his tempurpedic pillow and gave it to him, he passed out.

The next morning I noticed he was having a hard time standing up to go potty in the morning. I gave him a rimadyl and just thought that his hip dysplasia was bothering him.

When he came in he hopped up on to the couch and walked in a circle for 5 solid minutes trying to get comfortable enough to lay down. I kept telling Zack something was wrong. It was a Sunday morning and I made a mental note to take him to the vet on Monday to get some new meds for his hips. Clearly he was uncomfortable.

Eventually he gave up on the couch and wanted to be let outside again. I opened the door and watched him walk into the yard. He seemed like he was drunk. He couldn't keep his feet underneath him.

Suddenly, he just fell over in the yard. My heart dropped and I ran outside screaming like he had been shot. Zack freaked when he realized something serious was going on. He crutched out of the bedroom for the first time in 10 days to see how he could help.

After a few seconds in the yard Hank got up on his own and came inside. I pulled the tempurpedic mattress cover off of our bed and brought it in the living room so he could lay down on it without getting on the bed. He walked in circles for 15 minutes while I made him a turkey burger, turkey bacon, green beans, and a HUGE helping of coconut oil. Usually the coconut oil helps his hips within a few hours and at that point I was still convinced that was the issue.

He ate it all standing up on the mattress pad.

Finally he went in to the dining room on the tile and laid down. Zack assumed he was better and he went back to bed. I sat on the couch and started googling the best treatment for him.

Every once in a while I would notice him craning his head around the corner to look at Zack. I thought he was tired and checking on everyone. I'm an idiot.

Eventually Zack noticed he had Hank's attention and started talking to him. Telling him what a good boy he is and calling him a fat dork (his super sweet pet-name for Hank).

This is when I really started to lose my shit.

He wasn't wagging his tail.

At all.

So I told Zack.

Zack got up and we both went in and sat with Hank and in our most seriously high-pitched, Jenna Marble-esque voice, tried to get him to wag his tail... which he usually does without any type of provocation...


Now I'm trying my hardest to keep it together. I'm leaving messages for the vet on his emergency line. That's messages.

I am losing my shit.

Hank is getting scared because I can't get a grip. He's restless and freaking out and drags his back legs, knuckled under, into the living room. At this point, Zack starts to lose it too.

My first thought was that some prehistoric weirdo animal that Georgia grows had bitten him. A snake or something. When he fell in the living room and it was clear his back half was now completely paralyzed within 3 hours of waking up that morning, I was pretty sure he was dying.

We sat sobbing on the floor with him while I told Zack that this was probably it.

When the vet called us back he said that he was about 4 hours from his office and he would meet us there when he could. He said that he thought Hank would be fine for four hours and that if he was bitten by something he wouldn't make the one hour drive we had to the vet anyway. Just to sit with him and keep him called until we heard from him.

I needed Hank to stay calm, so we sat with him and fed him at least 20 expensive bully treats. He was so scared and he was trying so hard to stand up. When I think about it now my heart breaks all over again. It was the most heart breaking thing I had ever seen. He locked his eyes on me and was begging me to make him stand up. He just couldn't. It was awful.

He was breathing incredibly hard at this point, and multiple times he would stop breathing for a second. I gave him a benadryl to help him relax and sat with his head in my lap begging him telepathically to just "go" if he was going to go. To not make it to the vet and be scared and make me make a decision to end his suffering. To just fall asleep in my arms, where he belonged, and not wake up. I begged him.

Makes me sick.

We sat with him saying goodbye for the next 4 hours. I called my parents sobbing. It was dramatic and awful.

When the vet called to say that if we left now for his office we would get there at the same time as him I had an overwhelming feeling of dread. How was I going to get this 100 pound, drugged, paralyzed, scared, dog in the car by myself? Zack couldn't help because he couldn't walk. Our friends that have babysit Hank for us were out of town, and I didn't want him to be scared if a stranger came to help. So, I decided that I was just going to figure it out.

I took apart the travel kennel Hank used when he was a baby and drug half of it into the living room where he was laying. Still sobbing I tried to get behind him and pick him up under his arms and put him in the top of the crate. As I reached underneath him and pulled him up, I realized I was stepping on his tail. Like... full-on... he made no noise. He didn't even know. My heart was crushed. I hurt him and he didn't even know and I couldn't tell which part of that was the saddest.

I eventually got him into the half crate and drug it out to the car, Zack crutching behind me. I stood next to the car, which seemed like it was 1000 feet from the ground, next to my paralyzed best friend, next to my broken and helpless husband, and cried and cried in the driveway.

I was a mess. This was not my proudest moment. Going back I would force myself to pull my shit together and be strong for my boy. There were moments in there when I was strong for him. Not enough. But there were moments.

I finally took a deep breath, wiped my face off, and lifted Hank's 100 pounds of basically dead weight in the car. He cried when I put him in, so I knew he had some feeling, but I also knew that I hurt him again and my head was starting to hurt from sobbing like a 5 year old.

Off we went. One hour to the vet, let's go.
Except we have no gas.
The car said 13 mile to empty. We had around 120 miles round trip.

So I sped to the gas station. I had recently lost my debit card and went inside to write a check. I go to this gas station 3 or 4 times a week. I am there all the time. The ladies who work there know me and they've seen Hank a billion times. However, when I tried to write a check for gas they told me they couldn't accept it because it was an out of state check... so here I am in the gas station trying not to cry and begging this 17 year old moron to let me write her a check for over so that I can get gas and she can keep the extra. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE!

Wasn't happening.

So I went back to the car, ready to steal gas. All my cards were suspended due to the lost wallet. Zack's wallet was temporarily missing post surgery and I was ready to take criminal action, when Zack saved the day and called a friend of ours who met us with a gas can.

Finally. We were on our way. My head was racing thinking that would be the last time Hank was ever in my car. Thinking I was about to be with my boy for the last time. Thinking I was going to accidentally kill all 3 of us if I didn't pay better attention to the road.

When we got to the vet he immediately came outside with a muzzle for Hank. Right, this guy needs a muzzle. Usually I would have protested but everything was happening quickly and I didn't even care. He put it on him and lifted him out of the car and into the building.

They took him back for x-rays and I assumed they would come back and tell me it was time to let him go... but they didn't.

Dr Mike came back in and I can't remember how everything went because my head was throbbing but I do remember the relief when he said there was no break. It wasn't disc disease. Just spinal swelling, and while we had a long road ahead of us he thought there was a 60/40 chance he would recover enough to walk. Afterall, he was only 6 and super healthy and strong otherwise.

He would have to stay at the vet for at least a week.

I don't even remember driving home.

I was exhausted and I passed out the moment we got in the house.

The next week I visited Hank 10 times. I brought the vet and his staff treats.

I didn't sleep.

It was awful.

Then finally, I got to bring him home.

Here he is in the car when we got home =]

When he got home he had deep pain sensation. I could squeeze his nail bed as hard as I could and he would move his back feet a little bit.

That's all we had.

Anyway-- that's the long and boring of it. He has what's called IVDD which is basically spinal swelling. Most dogs recover. They regain sensation from the back to the front, which means full use of his tail will come first. Then he will be able to stand on purpose. Then regain full control of his bladder and bowels. Then He will walk.

It's exhausting to take care of him. It is all I have done since he got hurt. I spend most of my life washing pissy shitty blankets and towels and making sure he has new fresh warm ones to lay on.

I am never upset about it, and here's why... I knew it was coming and this morning he finally showed me that without a doubt, hes going to be okay. Even if he only ever walks in his wheelchair (that the kind people of my life funded--thank you thank you thank you) this morning, my sweet boy, WAGGED HIS TAIL! It was 7:37am, he was bitching, and I could smell poop. I walked into the dining room and he was happy to see me and HIS TAIL WAGGED!

Full on, on purpose, waggage.

It has made my day and inspired me to write the longest post ever.


That's what happened. It sucked, but it's getting better! We have tail waggage! Woohoo!!!!

I'll try to keep you all updated on Hank's progress here and quit posting on my facebook quite so much...